a Synopsis of what I think you’ve missed;

• I hate everyone
• I don’t trust anyone
• I think everyone’s retarded
  - all of these exclude; jay, hannah, meagan, family, izzy, krista, some randoms
• I’ve re-gained weight
  - I want to fucking lose it again
• I’m bitter
• I drink a lot more than I used to
  - PBR tastes better out of a can
• I like valium and xanax
  - yea, xanax still
• My dog is cooler than most people
• I’d rather sleep or hang out with one of the people I listed above
• I bake a lot now
• I’m making more dreamcatchers
• I need a job so I can be productive
• I want more money
• I want a house
• I want to work a lot and only have to deal with a little bit of a social life
  - that’d be sweet
• I am very happy with my wonderful boyfriend, and glad he’s my best friend, too.

I just don’t feel like I really make sense anymore, ya know? How do I feel? I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of one of those insanely, retardedly elaborate snow globes & ole boy got shook up. Probably dropped off the shelf and put back up, because it was a fucking crazy ride down. I know I’m back in the right position now, though, but I’m still waiting for all the pieces to really settle, so I can get a grasp on what’s going on again… because right now it doesn’t make sense and I can’t really see all that far in front of my face / ahead of right now- and it doesn’t really feel like there’s much else out there or ahead of me… but I know there is.

• I was alone, and that was different from lately, but okay.
• It was cloudy out, and that was a let-down, but okay.
• It was cold everywhere in my room, and it made me shiver, but okay.

So, I decided to try getting out of bed without wallowing in pity for thirty minutes… something I’ve become shockingly good at over the course of the last week. So, I got up, put clothes on, and smoked a bowl. Without crying or crumbling or being so upset I had to interrupt my course of action.

Now I’m going to;

• Meditate
• Exercise
• Shower
• Get dressed and cute
• Wait.

Then, around noon today, Jay’s picking me up and we’re going to his mom’s for lunch, with Kaden. :).

My goals are to;

• Smile
• Eat appropriately
• Be happy

I think it’s doable. I love and miss my big brother so much, and I still feel incomplete… but I feel like it’s time to try and piece myself back together. Levi would have wanted me to.

Jack White rocks. 

I had a couple minutes this morning at work, and I went back and read over some of the things I’ve posted… Levi would have given me HELL if he could have read some of those things, then shoved ice cream down my throat (he knew that always works), and beat my ass at some video games before watching Repo; The Genetic Opera.

I miss you, Levi. I’m always going to, and I am kinda lost without you here… I went through the most terrifying range of emotions, and if it weren’t for Jay and my friends and my Famiy, I don’t know if I’d be functioning right now. But you were my silver lining, bubby, and I was always yours… You called me whenever you needed me, and I could call you whenever I needed you. Now your friends and your son and all your beautiful family and the people you love need that silver lining… I’m ready to be there now. I’ve cried, and I won’t lie, for awhile there, bubby… I wanted to join you. I did things I’m not proud of, and I said things I never would have said, and I felt things I never thought I’d felt…

But I feel you today, ya know. I feel ya lookin down on me. I found more pictures of us, I found pink toys I’ve never remembered buying Lucy, (the stupid ones that squeaked that you’d always give her right before you left so I had to deal with them, hahaha) I couldn’t find my charger and remembered how you would just LAUGH at me for never havign it…
I love you, big brother. And I know you loved me, too. You were my PLutonic Soulmate. You were a person that no matter what, you were going to be an important part of my life. Remember when we joked how you would walk me down the aisle if I ever got married- but you’d have to wear your tennis shoes just like you wore to prom?

I’m going to be there, Bubby. I want to be there for your Dad and for your Mom, and for all of your beautiful family.I want to be there for all your friend. ALL of them. I want to be there for the ones you loved and for Kayla, and I want to be there for your beautiful son, Desi, and help him grow up knowing that he was your life…

I love you. It all hurt, It all hurt so bad. But You wouldn’t want me to be like this.
It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna keep hurting. But I’ll Carry on. Just like you’d want me to. I’m going to do everything you always wanted me to. The kick boxing, my cupcake diner (you loved that idea and supported it more than anyone… I’ll even go back to school to get a business degree if I have to…. and it’ll be Levi’s Cupcake Corner.), I’ll take care of myself, I’ll stop all the dumb things you hated me doing. I’ll take care of my mom and my little brother. I’ll be everything you loved about me; my optimism, my strength, my independence.

Levi, you’ll always be my big brother. You’ll always be the big part of my heart.
And I’m going to be the very, very best I can. I will be healthy, I will be here, I will be happy, I will be strong.
All for you.